Lost in thoughts

Today, I felt like not matter what I did, I would be harped on.

I am sitting in the library attempting to focus on the task at hand (my policy paper) thinking to myself; did I sign up for this?

Today was trying day in the assessment class. I take pride in doing things well, and making my patients feels comfortable and at ease, but I feel as though I just performed the worst exam ever. Not the that patient said anything, in fact she smiled and said I did a good job, but my instructor harped on me as though I was a target ripe for the plucking.

So here I sit, computer at my finger tips, pondering what to do next. Obviously I need to re-evaluate my techniques (widget work). Or, as my friend said “understand that the instructor was having a bad day”. Still no excuse in my opinion to focus on me. I was not one of the students who discussed her lack of appropriate behavior via professional correspondence (email), nor did I say in class disparaging comments about the grades she dealt out like a stack of stale cards. My grade was good in fact, strictly speaking, still above average. I think my issue is that as an instructor you are also considered a leader, and as such you should form a congruent interpretation of results and present them in a professional manor. As such she missed the mark. That being said, at the end of the day, I am not sure why I was the focus of her attention. Nor should I care. But in my heart of hearts I have that desire to always succeed and do well. And by well I mean I want to give the best care. I push myself internally more than any one person can outside of me. Believe me, what one person says in critic is about 10% of what I critic in my own thoughts and contemplation.

At the end of the day, my friends, whom I do respects will say “don’t be so mean to yourself” “don’t beat yourself up over this” or any other number of “encouraging” phrases. I get it, but what it comes down to is that if I don’t push myself, if I don’t have the desire to achieve or be better then it won’t happen. I compete only with myself, because only I can make that change. I stopped proving myself to the imaginary ghost. Instead I traded in that ghost of approval for a family that loves me and friends that appreciate me for me. The nerd, the contemplative, the girl who is “emotionally incontinent” at times, the woman who turns pale at the site of pain on another being, and who likes to wear fun socks and snorts when she laughs.
Deep breath in, death breath out. The view is still out the window, the Rockies, sitting lazily against the horizon. They too feel peace and calm. One week to reflect and a few moments to relax...

And now policy…
~Mika